miracles in december

December has started, the last month of the year and what a year it has been. i havent blogged in like forever, alot has changed i feel, and now my heart aches because of many things.... i have come to realised i have made the wrong decision and took the wrong path... although this path is worth it in the future, i feel that if i had taken the other road, it would have benefited me personal more and would have been happier that way. but i cant u-turn now, i guess ill wait till January and when uni starts. uni.... what am i going to do with you.... results arent out yet but i still really need to decide what i want to look into... going to the usyd nursing intro was very helpful and i quite like it, excluding the fact that it takes me 1.5 hours to get home.... other then that it looks very good. but double degree or just the plain bachelor? :/ i cant decide..... i think ill just wait for the result :/ which is like..... in 2 weeks.... dammnnnnn the biggest thing in my life right now is exo... hard to believe but yes exo is very important atm.. words can not describe how i feel towards them, their music, their everything, is just irreplaceable speaking of replaceable, recently i have decided to cut some relationships...well cut alot of relationships because i feel... i do have a choice who to hang and be with them, i can say no to people and i dont have to listen to them if i dont feel like it, this is one step in my life at the moment that i definately do not regret, it has allowed me to find better and happy things to do with my time...like exo ^^ plus it looks like my decision to do this has made no difference to everyday life so it does shine light on what that relationship meant... which nothing haha what a pity. but like jasmine said, you spend so much time trying to build that relationship but in the end, it was all for nothing. working 7 days a week does keep me occupied so....sleep time now :3 but as long as i have exo i feel it will be fine, dont judge. no one will understand how important exo is to me <3 sigh just thinking about them i can feel my heart ache haha oh wells, i cant with for mircles in december :) new songs to add to the exo <3 playlist ^^

I thought everything was actually going alright and I was quite getting used to the new community

But I know can say, trust took along time to build, after many nights of deliberating, and countless events, but one bad decision destroyed it and I think it will be very hard to build it again

I've learnt my lesson (y) never again! 

Tears hurt.... 

My one and only wish

I don't know how many people still read this, or how many still care but I still want to put it out there.

I think it's time to accept the fact that we have all changed, and there is no way things will go back to the way it used to be, that being said the one thing that I really really wish to come out of this, is that we can all still dance together, as a crew we are continuing to grow was people and dancers and the last thing I want is that we give that up :/ so my one wish is that we keep on dancing, sure we might not be as close as before but our dancing is much to important to give up (y) 

Thanks for hearing me out, I understand not all wishes come true, but ill just hope this one will. I guess I just have to wait and see. Hsc is really hitting me hard, physical and emotionally, 3-4 months left LETS DO THIS! 

No matter what everyone's decision is, I will always cherish the memories we had and I hope you guys do to (y)

everyday just gets colder...lonelier....and harder to bare

my chocolate coating

yes i am too negative about life, and yes its not good for me...but can i help it? everyday i come home almost hating myself, hating everything that happened. nothing to me is real. everything is hidden, a lie. but ofc do people know? no! you reading this, if anyone does read it might know, but do you really believe me? does anything matter anymore, no matter what happens that chocolate coating will always be there, and theres no getting rid of... you cant change whats inside it.... but you can always change the coating. whats inside will always be there... i just want to sink deep and hide away. life sometimes gets too much, the nicer you are to me, the more scared i get. the friendly you are, the more i wonder if my life is a lie, why cant it all just stop... but on a chocolate coated note :) soon my life MIGHT take a huge step...so we shall see how it goes ^^ i hope its successful but... i wouldnt be to sad if it wasnt siighhhhhhhhhhhh

some rollacoaster..... all i have to say is...why? why did you do this to me, why did you all have to do this to me...

how is life?

so school has started for exactly one week now... how do i feel about it? mixed feelings really.... :/ today i told **** life is good, and i quite enjoy my life right now, but i cant be notice that when i say that, there is a slight hesitation and i think...its not actually all good. most of my time spent is on homework and just school stuff in general, and when i have free time...i normally use it to complain about how tired i am...or sleep... i barely have time for anything anymore, i barely see my sisters, i never have dinner at home anymore lol... but my life has become so focused on school work...i find it so weird. but i definately feel i could work harder at it, there is so much more i can improve on and i need to! :/ i guess this is the life of HSC, lets just hope things will work out, :D but yes...starting my new life studying most of the time..i feel a bit of me has died... idk what...but it has, have i come accustomed to the new surroundings? the new people? and have the old forgotten? so many questions so little time but i think the main thing i want to put out there, is im doing well :) if anyone cared lol haha, i may sometimes seem depressed or stressed but deep down, im alright ^^ so no worries! just keep powwering on ^^ ...its late :/ should go to sleep, tutoring tomorrow ^^ hahah with MMM :D trololol so night world! :D

after writing that and lying on my bed listening to this song, i realise.... im not doing anything. im not doing anything to help anyone~ all im doing is sitting here complaining about my life... im such a horrible person. and its too late now, even if i was going to make it up, its too late now :( i should have given it to you, i knew it! but i just couldnt give it up :( sorry :( im so so so so so so so sorry this is all my fault everything... it is, its all my fault, i should be the one kicked out, i should be the one everyone hates, i should be the one no body likes, its me! but then again how would i know if im already there

that little something

i feel, if i do spend time by myself its dangerous... at times like these, its empty and cold, all by myself. thats how it always is. i dont think anything could change that. even if on the outside im absolutely fine, i try to smile, i try to make others happy, to help them. my problems are too.... fustrating. i dont want to think about them but they sit at the back of my head, poking and killing off every happy momment in my life. so writing them out would probably be better.. 1. im glad i got to tell at least someone how i felt with this whole situation. so thank you for listening, but remember my opinion and how i see things makes no difference and should not play any part in this thing, but yer thanks :) it lifted some pressure off~ 2. i was so happy when you asked me, i think it really warmed my heart that you actually asked for my opinion, on something very personal too ^^ although im not much help, it was nice to see your worried and confused face asking me what i think, but school starts.. i wont see that face for quite some time now... but i wish you the best :) 3. i am a very judgmental person, i have problems with everyone, but thats what i do. no ones perfect and i see these imperfections, but theres nothing wrong with them. everyone is different everyone is unique. after all that happens all that i can say, is i really really do care about all of you and i would never never never want to lose any of you, and that really comes from the bottom of my heart i feel that time together has already began ceasing, i dont care how you think of me, all i want from the times we spent together is a smile, even if there were heaps of downs for you i really hope that one light amoungst the darkness will bring you moments of happiness. no matter what happens in the future i will always remember our times together. thats all i wish for. all the best for your future, each and every one of you <3 4. after all this is said and done, i sit in my empty room and think, i should never spend time like this alone ever again >< its so bad, but i guess ill be fine tomorrow, i think ive come to hate weekends.... im really liking this song, it captures alot... 你离开的那一天 天空有点灰 见不着你最爱的蓝天 少了一个人斗嘴 多些朋友的安慰 一切 都不是错觉 来不及道声感谢 故事已结尾 太多事情来不及后悔 我还有太多心愿 太多梦没有实现 桌上还留着过去的照片

我一个人的失眠 一个人的空间 一个人的想念 两个人的画面 是谁的眼泪是谁的憔悴 洒满地的心碎 我一个人的冒险 一个人的座位 一个人想着一个人 眼角的泪这不是错觉

right here, right now

people dont release how special and important someone is to their lives, they take them for granted, they use them, and what they believe is the right thing is actually hurting that someone, bit by bit, dagger by dagger, piercing the heart, and ripping apart any hope that is left. i thought i had it figured, i thought everything was going to be alright, but life isnt a movie, there are no happy endings. time and time again i watch people find happiness, and after time and time again having comforting them, supporting them, everyone finds their happy place. you say i enjoy this, you say im strong enough to push though, to handle this..but am i? am i really? perhaps i am the type of person that likes to help others to find their sanctuary, to watch a sanctuary forming, but never in turn finding one. its nights like this where i truely wonder is my life worth it? am i actually going to make it somewhere, 2 years have passed...i feel i have accomplished nothing, nothing to what i can be proud of, nothing to which i can think back and smile at, there is always that shadow. hidden feelings, hidden secrets. over and over again i see the light, but its slips away till i am left with nothing, time and time i struggle only to come close but never reaching my goal. this is my endless cycle of unhappiness and not anyone can help me, i am doomed for my life of misery and sadness and there is absolutely no point in convincing me other wise, this is what my life has destined to be