A field of butterflies

I'm scared, scared of what's to come, to me it doesn't look too great but all I can do atm is.... I don't know what to do... I'm so scared, I've ruined moments before, I've ruined friends before, I've ruined so many things and I really don't want them to happen again, but it's so hard, I'm completely stuck. So many problems run through my head now..... Where do I start?!

1. Am I completely invisible to you guys? Worthless? A waste of space, cause I sure feel that way.....
Lying here, I feel like the loneliness person in the world, no one to talk to, no one to eat with, no one to sit with, no one. Just me and my music. The same song over and over again..... I seriously want to go home... But then again what good would that do, it's the same everywhere

2. Why can't we be different? How come its so easy for me to talk to others but do hard with you? I really really want to know you, I really do, I look at my relationship with others and wonder, will you ever know me like *********** does? Will you ever know ************ like ******* does? How will I ever get through to you? I couldn't just tell you could I? Cause I didn't tell these people and they sure picked it up :/ and they are me friends, I really hope your different :(

3. I'm really worried about you :( about all of you, you guys are like family to me, it's like I have 10 extra big bothers and sisters and I would never want to loose you, each and everyone of you I would miss dearly, but I can't help but think whether this is coming to an end :/ or at least decreasing. Whether you guys still read blogs or not I just really want to say that, you guys mean a lot to me, even if one day worst comes to worst, I will never forget the fantastic memories we've had together. I love you all so much. And I sincerely wish you had a wonderful Christmas and a happy new year :)

4. With all of the emotional stuff written, I guess my next worry is hsc.... Bulging throughout yr 10 and most of yr 11 I'm not so confident that ill do good in the hsc.... Everyone says ill do fine... But I'm not to sure about that.. I don't feel fine... I don't think ill do fine.... I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing...

I guess all this typing is making me tired, but by the time I get to post this it will be days later.... The middle of nowhere doesn't have very good reception.... Which brings me to my title, a field of butterflies, 3hrs from Melbourne into the centre, out in the bush, the true magic of nature is right in front of me, living here for 2 days really excite me, the flowers about flowers, the fresh lake, the green grass he trees, it's absolutely amazing. Makes me forget all my troubles and just focus on the beauty around me ( cliche and stupid I know ) but I wanted to end on a good note cause I know life is a big ball of ugly but in reality all I can do is face it and tackle it down. All I can do is try and Enjoy the Now. And don't be too sad :)

Just when you thought everything was alright, your whole world breaks downs and crumbles away

so this is what it feels like

the flutter in my heart, when you say something, the nervousness, thinking about what to talk to you about, the anxiousness, felt waiting for your reply, the happiness. ^^

if you guys arent going to be around, there is no point in making an effort anymore.