my chocolate coating

yes i am too negative about life, and yes its not good for me...but can i help it? everyday i come home almost hating myself, hating everything that happened. nothing to me is real. everything is hidden, a lie. but ofc do people know? no! you reading this, if anyone does read it might know, but do you really believe me? does anything matter anymore, no matter what happens that chocolate coating will always be there, and theres no getting rid of... you cant change whats inside it.... but you can always change the coating. whats inside will always be there... i just want to sink deep and hide away. life sometimes gets too much, the nicer you are to me, the more scared i get. the friendly you are, the more i wonder if my life is a lie, why cant it all just stop... but on a chocolate coated note :) soon my life MIGHT take a huge step...so we shall see how it goes ^^ i hope its successful but... i wouldnt be to sad if it wasnt siighhhhhhhhhhhh

some rollacoaster..... all i have to say is...why? why did you do this to me, why did you all have to do this to me...

how is life?

so school has started for exactly one week now... how do i feel about it? mixed feelings really.... :/ today i told **** life is good, and i quite enjoy my life right now, but i cant be notice that when i say that, there is a slight hesitation and i think...its not actually all good. most of my time spent is on homework and just school stuff in general, and when i have free time...i normally use it to complain about how tired i am...or sleep... i barely have time for anything anymore, i barely see my sisters, i never have dinner at home anymore lol... but my life has become so focused on school work...i find it so weird. but i definately feel i could work harder at it, there is so much more i can improve on and i need to! :/ i guess this is the life of HSC, lets just hope things will work out, :D but yes...starting my new life studying most of the time..i feel a bit of me has died... idk what...but it has, have i come accustomed to the new surroundings? the new people? and have the old forgotten? so many questions so little time but i think the main thing i want to put out there, is im doing well :) if anyone cared lol haha, i may sometimes seem depressed or stressed but deep down, im alright ^^ so no worries! just keep powwering on ^^ ...its late :/ should go to sleep, tutoring tomorrow ^^ hahah with MMM :D trololol so night world! :D

after writing that and lying on my bed listening to this song, i realise.... im not doing anything. im not doing anything to help anyone~ all im doing is sitting here complaining about my life... im such a horrible person. and its too late now, even if i was going to make it up, its too late now :( i should have given it to you, i knew it! but i just couldnt give it up :( sorry :( im so so so so so so so sorry this is all my fault everything... it is, its all my fault, i should be the one kicked out, i should be the one everyone hates, i should be the one no body likes, its me! but then again how would i know if im already there

that little something

i feel, if i do spend time by myself its dangerous... at times like these, its empty and cold, all by myself. thats how it always is. i dont think anything could change that. even if on the outside im absolutely fine, i try to smile, i try to make others happy, to help them. my problems are too.... fustrating. i dont want to think about them but they sit at the back of my head, poking and killing off every happy momment in my life. so writing them out would probably be better.. 1. im glad i got to tell at least someone how i felt with this whole situation. so thank you for listening, but remember my opinion and how i see things makes no difference and should not play any part in this thing, but yer thanks :) it lifted some pressure off~ 2. i was so happy when you asked me, i think it really warmed my heart that you actually asked for my opinion, on something very personal too ^^ although im not much help, it was nice to see your worried and confused face asking me what i think, but school starts.. i wont see that face for quite some time now... but i wish you the best :) 3. i am a very judgmental person, i have problems with everyone, but thats what i do. no ones perfect and i see these imperfections, but theres nothing wrong with them. everyone is different everyone is unique. after all that happens all that i can say, is i really really do care about all of you and i would never never never want to lose any of you, and that really comes from the bottom of my heart i feel that time together has already began ceasing, i dont care how you think of me, all i want from the times we spent together is a smile, even if there were heaps of downs for you i really hope that one light amoungst the darkness will bring you moments of happiness. no matter what happens in the future i will always remember our times together. thats all i wish for. all the best for your future, each and every one of you <3 4. after all this is said and done, i sit in my empty room and think, i should never spend time like this alone ever again >< its so bad, but i guess ill be fine tomorrow, i think ive come to hate weekends.... im really liking this song, it captures alot... 你离开的那一天 天空有点灰 见不着你最爱的蓝天 少了一个人斗嘴 多些朋友的安慰 一切 都不是错觉 来不及道声感谢 故事已结尾 太多事情来不及后悔 我还有太多心愿 太多梦没有实现 桌上还留着过去的照片

我一个人的失眠 一个人的空间 一个人的想念 两个人的画面 是谁的眼泪是谁的憔悴 洒满地的心碎 我一个人的冒险 一个人的座位 一个人想着一个人 眼角的泪这不是错觉

right here, right now

people dont release how special and important someone is to their lives, they take them for granted, they use them, and what they believe is the right thing is actually hurting that someone, bit by bit, dagger by dagger, piercing the heart, and ripping apart any hope that is left. i thought i had it figured, i thought everything was going to be alright, but life isnt a movie, there are no happy endings. time and time again i watch people find happiness, and after time and time again having comforting them, supporting them, everyone finds their happy place. you say i enjoy this, you say im strong enough to push though, to handle this..but am i? am i really? perhaps i am the type of person that likes to help others to find their sanctuary, to watch a sanctuary forming, but never in turn finding one. its nights like this where i truely wonder is my life worth it? am i actually going to make it somewhere, 2 years have passed...i feel i have accomplished nothing, nothing to what i can be proud of, nothing to which i can think back and smile at, there is always that shadow. hidden feelings, hidden secrets. over and over again i see the light, but its slips away till i am left with nothing, time and time i struggle only to come close but never reaching my goal. this is my endless cycle of unhappiness and not anyone can help me, i am doomed for my life of misery and sadness and there is absolutely no point in convincing me other wise, this is what my life has destined to be

A field of butterflies

I'm scared, scared of what's to come, to me it doesn't look too great but all I can do atm is.... I don't know what to do... I'm so scared, I've ruined moments before, I've ruined friends before, I've ruined so many things and I really don't want them to happen again, but it's so hard, I'm completely stuck. So many problems run through my head now..... Where do I start?!

1. Am I completely invisible to you guys? Worthless? A waste of space, cause I sure feel that way.....
Lying here, I feel like the loneliness person in the world, no one to talk to, no one to eat with, no one to sit with, no one. Just me and my music. The same song over and over again..... I seriously want to go home... But then again what good would that do, it's the same everywhere

2. Why can't we be different? How come its so easy for me to talk to others but do hard with you? I really really want to know you, I really do, I look at my relationship with others and wonder, will you ever know me like *********** does? Will you ever know ************ like ******* does? How will I ever get through to you? I couldn't just tell you could I? Cause I didn't tell these people and they sure picked it up :/ and they are me friends, I really hope your different :(

3. I'm really worried about you :( about all of you, you guys are like family to me, it's like I have 10 extra big bothers and sisters and I would never want to loose you, each and everyone of you I would miss dearly, but I can't help but think whether this is coming to an end :/ or at least decreasing. Whether you guys still read blogs or not I just really want to say that, you guys mean a lot to me, even if one day worst comes to worst, I will never forget the fantastic memories we've had together. I love you all so much. And I sincerely wish you had a wonderful Christmas and a happy new year :)

4. With all of the emotional stuff written, I guess my next worry is hsc.... Bulging throughout yr 10 and most of yr 11 I'm not so confident that ill do good in the hsc.... Everyone says ill do fine... But I'm not to sure about that.. I don't feel fine... I don't think ill do fine.... I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing...

I guess all this typing is making me tired, but by the time I get to post this it will be days later.... The middle of nowhere doesn't have very good reception.... Which brings me to my title, a field of butterflies, 3hrs from Melbourne into the centre, out in the bush, the true magic of nature is right in front of me, living here for 2 days really excite me, the flowers about flowers, the fresh lake, the green grass he trees, it's absolutely amazing. Makes me forget all my troubles and just focus on the beauty around me ( cliche and stupid I know ) but I wanted to end on a good note cause I know life is a big ball of ugly but in reality all I can do is face it and tackle it down. All I can do is try and Enjoy the Now. And don't be too sad :)

Just when you thought everything was alright, your whole world breaks downs and crumbles away